Warning: This is not a cheery, uplifting blog post. I will likely have a cheerier post later this week but right now, this is my reality. Also, I wrote this on Sunday afternoon after having a really hard couple of hours (think: crying, screaming, swearing, melting down, etc with frustration, sadness, and anger). I'm doing better now but I can't think too far ahead with the "this is our life for the next month" or I'll likely lose it again. And I wanted to document a "not so pretty piece" of real life. Thanks for listening.
In case you haven't heard, our province is now in a second lock down. "Supposedly" it's only going to last for four weeks, with elementary school kids going online for the first week only and then being able to return in person after that. However, our lock down in the spring was "only" supposed to be for three weeks and we all know how that went. Before, I get too much further in these thoughts, let me make it clear that, even though I don't like these measures, I support them. I know that this is the right thing to do. But it is not easy.
I am done.
I miss hugging my friends.
I miss going to church.
I miss traveling.
I miss "normal."
I hate that I don't know when I will next see my parents.
I hate that I don't know when I will next get to go inside the library and browse the shelves.
I hate that we have to question every decision -- Is this safe? Is that safe? Is anything safe?
I'm tired of "getting together" with friends virtually only.
I'm tired of trying to "look on the bright side."
I'm tired of trying to find "fun things" to do at home.
It has been nine and a half months of Covid stress and realities and adjustments and I am done. I don't have the mental capacity for this anymore. But I have no choice.
And I know that I have it relatively easy. I'm not a health care professional. I am not a grocery store employee. I am not a teacher (although I do work in the school system). We are not in danger of losing our home or not having enough to eat or any of the many other things that many people are worrying about.
On Instagram I am deciding to post a picture of a small moment every day which gives me joy. I am trying to look on the bright side but it's getting really hard. So if you follow me there it might seem like life is going really well. And sometimes, for some days, it really is.
But a lot of the time this is really freakin' hard and I am just over it.
So for those of you who get to hug your friends and see your parents and go to church, please recognize that that is not the reality for many of us and we haven't gotten to do any of those things in nine (going on ten) months.
Some days I'm tempted to delete my Instagram account and not read any blogs because it is hard to see other people getting to do those things when, in our province, we haven't been allowed to do any of that since March. (We were able to socially bubble with up to ten people total for a short time in the summer but many people chose to bubble with their parents so my friends didn't get to hug each other (or be closer than six feet apart) and that bubbling was for two months only. Now we're back to "close contact with our immediate household only.")
I know that eventually (soon please) Covid will be under control or we will all be vaccinated and we will get to resume normal life again (PLEASE GOD) but until then, I will be at home, with my family, trying to find small moments of joy and gritting my teeth to get through another day.
And probably watching a Hallmark movie, drinking some cranberry tea, and eating cookies, because right now, those things give me joy.